when i thought that i already a few steps away..
the reality tells me that i were being pulled to the starting point again..

do not react, take a breath
do not think too much, just feel
do not ask so many questions, try listen
and, do not feel. just ikhlas..

mas..
u can't please everyone. it will hurt anyone of us, whatever decission u made.
how clever u wrap this situation with new packaging, it looks shimering, glowing, promising,,,
although we are in the same condition just like the old time we had been through..

was so close to death..

never cross in my mind i 'll passing these moment..

had 5 weeks fetus in my womb, it's quite shocking me. wondering, 'coz i'm using contraception.
don't now how, it's just happen.
i realize, there's some power that we can't deny it. althought we had prevent that.
we (me &mas ai)consule to the female obstetricians (after we have along arguing, as usual heheh..) . she is the nicest doctor i ever met. (love u mrs.nuriah)

it was so suddenly, that i couldn't have proper time to considering, what should i do?
she help us, to made decission. curettage. on tuesday, 2 pm.

the night before the execution, i pray to God. i want this baby, i wanna keep it, i just feel it a girl, a lovely girl. i also told that to ms ai. but, he said this not a appropriate time.

tuesday, 1 pm. nurse put in a rectal medication. half an hour it start squeezing my womb.
2 am, i layed down on the bad in straddle posistion. anesthetic injected into the palm of my hand. "god, mercy me for thoes sins i made. mom, forgive me for not being a obedient daughter fr u, kids..forgive me can't accompaning u both grow up.."
felt so light, still can hear all the doctor & the crew chat,,lay down in the middle of soft mattres
surrounding all over my body.
.. few minutes pass, hear mas ai sound (and i felt it was so long time i'm not hear his voice. and i miss it) i can feel he carry away my body, to move to the next bed.

slow but sure, i become conscious.."my older son : adeant, my little boy : rifki "
allhamdulillah, i'm back again.
seems i just got back from the journey to other world, i don't know where,, ,,,

really greatfull , mas ai never stay away from me. pra and pasca the surgery..
he really take a good care of me..
the affect of anesthetic still affecting me...queasy,can't stand still, sleeepy..and, starving..

a cup bowl of soup & a glass hot tea. that's all i want. mas ai turn on the bike to beringin.
take medicine, take a shower, really made me back to normal.

and here i am. sitting on this chair, infront of my netbook. writing all those moments, that..i was so close to the death..

..these ring

cantik skali y mas,

brntung bgt prempuan yg di kasih cincin ini..
andai ak prempuan itu




seingat ak, blum prnh ak menilai ssuatu pemberian dri harga ny. siapa pun yg ngasih, apapun yg di kasih. ak akn blas dg senyum aj, suka atw tdk.

mas..
ak tau pressure mas dikerjaan & di luar kerjaan udh ckup bnyak.
ak gk mau mnambah ny lg dg mslah k.i.t.a.

polemik ini tdk akn trhenti, msing2 kta mngclaim sudh yg pling bnar, sudh mngmbil kputusan yg trbaik utk k.i.t.a.

andai kta msh puny wktu,
ak ingin kta ketemu dlm kondsi yg sma2 comfort.
duduk sma2, ngbrol biasa2 aj,
ak kangen dg rambut mas, kangen dg bahu ny, kpingin gigit.

ak msih syang mas, gk tau utk apa..

that ring..

dear mas ai,,

cincin itu..

cantik. it looks classy & elegant.
ak yakin, smua prempuan normal psti suka.

sprtiny, ak msuk kategori prempuan gk normal.
krna ak justru takut. ak gk tau ap maksud mas utk kasih ak cincin itu.
utk mengikat aku...cma itu yg mas bilg.

itu yg ak takutkan. utk ap mas ikat ak. ikatn dlm bntuk ap. knpa ak hrus diikat?
..so many question huh??
bnyak bgt prtanyaan yg muncul

knpa ak hrus diikat. spya ak gk lari? knpa ak hrus lari, siapa yg akn mengjar ak?

ak diikat spy ak makin gk berkutik, spy ak smakin "diam" ats apapun yg mas lakukan ke aku??
utk itu kah mas?

aku justru takut mas

ak ingin mencintai mas dg sederhana..

dear mas ai,

mas gk prnah brtnya, knpa ak k surbya, justru brtepatan di hri mas blik dr jkrta.

biarpun mas gk nanya, ak akn jwab. biarpun gk pnting lg, & gk akn merubh keadaan ..

ak prgi dg sengja. krna bbrpa alsan..

-ak udh jnji utk ngjak rifki liburn, tp di hri dia libur, justru ak ny yg gk bsa.
itu udh ckup mbuat ak mrsa brslah. mrsa gk bsa jd ibu yg baik. ak ngrsa, justru ak yg dikjar2 kerjaan, krjaan udh jdi beban & boomerang yg jusru berbalik menghantam ak.
biarpun ak udh full speed ngrjain nya, mkin ak cpat selesai, mkin bnyak krjaan di ksih.
fisik udh drop brkali2, ak akalin dg vitmin.
tp mental jg gk ngebantu, pikiran ak trpecah ke msalah k.i.t.a
(tp diana bsa. dia bsa mngjak ank2 mas liburn kpan aj & kmna aj ank2 mau)

-alsan ke-2, ak tau mas akn blik dr jkt. dan itu brarti, ak akn kmbli msuk di cycle k.i.t.a.
ak mnunggu mas dg pnuh hrap - kta ktemu - sex, - mas blik lg ke diana - ak mas diamkan - menunggu lg dg penuh harap. begitu seterusnya - seterusnya - seterusnya...

ak cinta mas iya, ak syang mas iya. tp sprti ny itu tdk ckup utk menahan mas slalu di smping aku.
mas selalu mengharap kan lebih dari aku..
aku lbh sbar, ak lbh pengertian, ak lbh s.e.t.i.a...
supya mas bsa trus balik ke diana, menenangkan diana, memeluk diana, supya dia tenang.
tnpa prnah mas brtnya, ap aku tenang dg sikap mas, ap ak skit hati atw tdk dg yg mas lakukan k diana. mas tdk peduli itu, krna mas tau. aku "s.e.t.i.a"
(ap bda nya dg bodoh mas? didatangi hnya bla prlu, ditingglkn tnpa kbar, menerima smua prlakuan mas.)

ak ambil 1 action, dg 1 alasan : i am just a human being.
ak ingin keluar dari CIRCLE ini. ak letih. ak letih mnunggu, ak letih diprmainkan, ak letih bodoh, ak letih..

ak sngja prgi tnpa ijin mas, hnya utk tunjukkan ke mas, ak tidak sabar lg
ak sngja prgi tnpa ijin mas, spya mas tau, ak tdk bsa pengertian lg
ak sngja terima dia, spya mas tau, ak jg bsa tdk s.e.t.i.a



-

dear ms ai..
ad 1 poin yg kmaren mas bilg di telpn, tp smpe hri ni msh jd kpikiran. it's weird, aneh..

kmren mas bilng, ak yg gk mau nunggu mas, ak yg ningglain mas, ak yg gk setia..

*ak yg gk nunggu - - ap yg mau ak tunggu? tunggu dia nge-labrak ak lg, dan mas cma nonton aj??
atw nunggu mas pulg k rumh dl, 1 kmar dg dia lg, nunggu mas slesai bercinta dg dia lg,,??

*ak yg ninggalin - - bukan ak lho yg lari wktu dia nge-labrak ak & kluarga ak prtma kli dlu, smpe hrus diteriakin maling. bukan ak jg yg pingsan & ketwa2 sndiri, ngmuk2 sndri , trus lari ntah kmana & gk sedetik pun nemui ak setelah itu.

* ak yg gak setia - - maaf, mungkin ak yg idiot. tp ap sih definisi setia itu?
terima aj ap adanya, pasrah aj diapain, diem aj gk jawab apapun.??

mas pulg dr loksi ktemu ak, kita brcinta, puas, basa-basi sbntar, di obralin jnji2 kosong, mas prgi + tipu2 ak..~mas pulg krumh , kmpul dg dia lg, 1 kmr lg, brcinta jg dg dia, mo blik ke loksi, ketemu ak dlu, having sex lg, puas - done!
PLUS - uang 35 jeti, utk ttup mulut & ttap s.e.t.i.a

wow..amazing bgt ya..

trust, ..

trust.. like a paper sheet. once it scratch, can be erase.
however 'still left the trace.

kpercayaan.. itu sprti slembar kertas putih. sekali tergores, mmang msh bsa dhapus.
tpi ttap mningglkan bekas.

3.58 am

dear mas ai..

3.58 am. td ny ak mo bangunin mas buat sahur.
ragu..

tp ak ykin, klo lg di loksi krja, mas bsa on schedule smua.
shur pke ap?
let me guess , mmm..

• minum ny aer putih

• lauk ny aer putih

am i right ?? ^_^

hmmm..

dear mas ai..

hmmm..td ak & mami prgi spa ke salon. udh lma bgt nggak spa. lumyn..bdn jd enk, brsih, ringan..
cma gk than geli aj dpijit2.
ak emg blm brni utk ke spa sndri, gk pd aj. tkut dlm kondsi 'open' smua, trjdi ap2..

seingat ak, kta prnah jnjian utk ke spa sma2 ya mas..
kpan itu ya,
hmmmm..kira2 1 thn yg lalu kali ya..

dear mas ai..

ini udh msuk minggu ke-2 dri ak trima dia.
mmang mudh utk kta bhong k org lain, tpi.. sngat sulit utk bhong ke dri sndri,,,

sulit. tp bukan tdk mungkin..
ak hnya prlu usha lbh kras utk mbuka hti. hnya prlu kordinasi lbh solid, atr waktu dan hati

trima dia ap adnya, sprti ak ke mas dlu

mnsupport dia, sprti ak k mas dlu

perhtian ke dia, sprti ak k mas dlu

mencintai dia.........mgkin saat ini blm bsa.

mnempatkan dia d hati ak??, sprti ak k mas dlu???..ak blm puny jwban ny

dia baik, sma sprti mas
dia syang ak, sma sprti mas
dia syang kid, sma sprti mas

dia protect ak, tdk sma sprti mas
dia jujur ke ak, tdk sma sprti mas

dia mmang bukan mas,
dia org lain yg mnwarkan hal yg sama, sprti yg mas twarkan ke ak dlu.
tp dlm packing yg brbda. tnpa ad tipu, tnpa ad skit hti, tnpa ad teror, tnpa ad prmainan, tnpa ad mimpi ksong...

dan ak sgt brhrap bsa sterusnya bgtu, tdk hny awalny aj yg manis,,
ak tdk mau dia mnwarkan mimpi appun, ak tdk trima rencn appun dri dia.

ak jalani aj smua ap adnya.
biar waktu & takdir yg mnjwab.

?what for?

dear mas ai..
td pgi ak liat di hp ak ad miscl dri no 082176417769, jm 2.57 am.
ak gk ngerti, siapa yg telp. mas atw org lain ...

something weird,
klo emg mas, aneh..'coz kta udh bhas kmren. smntra ni ak ngrsa gk comfort dg telp dri no itu.
ak cma mau komuniksi dg mas dsni. lalu utk ap mas msh telp dr no itu..

klo emg org lain yg pke no itu, dan dia cba telp ak di jam 2.30 am, aneh jg..
itu jm yg gk lazim utk telpn.

mas..
bgitu bnyak hal yg ingin ak tnyakan k mas, tp ak tau..mas tdk puny jwban ny, dan mas tdk puny wktu utk mnjwab ny

jdi mas..
ak biarkn wktu yg mnjwab ny,,,

white lie

dear mas ai..

maafkn klo ak blm mau brkomunksi dg mas lwt no hp mas yg skrang.
ak ngrsa kurg nyman aj.
smnjak diana bilg, dia bca smua sms ak di no hp mas. agk shock jg sih..
tdi ny kn mas jnji no ini cma buat kta.

ak jd sangsi aj, ap ini mas yg telpn atw dia?

tp y udh lh, gk ush d bhas lg.

dear mas ai..

dear mas ai..

ak ttap ingin kta baik2 aj mas.
dan ak sgt brhrap mas jg puny niat yg sama

biar gmnapun, bnyak hal yg sudh kta lwati sma2, bnyak cita2 yg prnh kta rncnakn, bnyak mimpi yg prnah kta rangkai sma2 .

ak ingin ttap baik dg mas , mski nggak dlm bntuk hubungan yg sma kyak dlu lg.

akhir2 ni komunikasi kta gk shat. slalu di iringi dg emosi tak terkontrol, dlam bntuk apapun. trutma ak.

ak yg msh labil, yg msih mncari2 gmna ak hrus brsikap ats smua ini. ats smua kkecewaan, ats smua ksedihan, kebingungan..ak mlah lari & mnjauhi mas, seolah2 mas adlh virus ebola yg hrus ak hindari.
ak yg blum ckup crdas mmanage smua emosi ini.
menyikapi, bahwa tdk smua yg kta hrapkan didunia ini bsa kta raih. klaupun bsa, tdk smua ny dg cra yg mudah.

ak prnah puny rsa sayng ke mas, dan skrng ak bru tau. ak tdk mau mnyingkirkan itu. trmasuk smua mimpi2 kta. alasan ny krna, itu smua adlh bagian dri msa lalu ak. tdk bsa dsingkirkan, krna ak ttap btuh msa lalu ku, utk hdup ak d msa dtang.

mas ai..
ak ingin ttap baik2 aj dg mas.

dan ak mau mnawarkan ssuatu ke mas.

ak ingin kta sma2 mnikmati dlu hdup kta yg skrang, di jalur kta masing2.
tnpa komunikasi dlu, dlm bntuk apapun.
ak tau ini gk mudh, ak jg gk yakin ap ak bsa.
tpi 1 hal aj yg mndasari kta, bhwa kta lakukan ini utk memprbaiki masa lalu. spya msa dpan kta bsa jauh lbh baik dari yg skrang.

mas mnikmati proses mas dg dia, ak mnikmati proses ak utk mnerima org lain.

tdk ad 1 pun jaminan bhwa mas bsa atw tdk bsa mnyelesaikan proses mas dg diana, smua ny trgantung dri usha mas dan ...takdir

sama hal ny dg ak. tdk ad jminan bhwa rahman, tdk akn mlakukan hal yg sama, dg yg mas prnah lakukan ke ak. tdk jg ad jaminan, bhwa ak mmang brjdoh dg dia..tdk ad yg tau

kta sama2 jalani aj ini smua. di jalur kta masing2.
, kalau kta tdk mmaksakan khendak kta, yakin aj bahwa nti smua akn indah pada waktuny.

sngaja ak plih ngmong diblog ini dg mas, krna ak ngrsa, cma dsini lh kta bsa ngbrol br2 tnpa org lain bsa ikut. mslah kta br2, biar kta aj yg slesaikn.

mgkin no simpt dri mas tdk akn trlalu sring ak aktifkn.

ak brhrap, ttap bolh sharing dg mas, ttg ap aj di blog ini.

ak jg brhrap, insyaalloh, kta sama2 bsa konsist dg komit kta ini. sma2 bsa sling mnguatkan. klo slah 1 dri kta sdang down.

gimana mnrut mas??

nb :
..ak bolh ttip ssuatu gk?

dont turn around

3 days passing trough without u..
heeh..wish i could be more stronger than i thought

yeah, i have to know when the stage comes to an end.
closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapter, what ever the name it.
things pass, all i have to do is to let u go away ,,however painful it may be

nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love that are broken off..

before i begin a new chapter, the old one has to be finished, what has passed will never comeback
this may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but i have to,, *sigh*

closing cycles..not because of pride or arrogance. but simply 'coz u aren't fits of my life anymore

~inkonsistensi

rasa marah, dendam bnr2 mnguasai hati...
mnuntun otak utk trus2 an mrancang brbgai cra mblas smua prbuatn dia..
mski ttap brusha control diri, emosi ini tak kalah hbat mnerjang k smua arah..

ap lgi yg kmu mau. ???????

blum ckup ????, hdup ak, hati ak, prsaan ak..

skrang kmu declare k smua org ttg ak, ap yg kmu cri dsitu.. ap untung ny kmu
klo org lain tau ttg aib ak. kmu malh mbahas hingga ke detail2 ny ttg ak ke org lain..

oke lh- oke lh..ak follow up aj smua game kmu.
klo dg mnelanjangi ak di dpan org bnyak ad kpuasan pribadi yg kmu dpat, fine..silahkan.

setlh smua kbohongan & permainan kmu, skrang ini.

'duh,,gk henti2 ny action kmu