when i thought that i already a few steps away..
the reality tells me that i were being pulled to the starting point again..

do not react, take a breath
do not think too much, just feel
do not ask so many questions, try listen
and, do not feel. just ikhlas..

mas..
u can't please everyone. it will hurt anyone of us, whatever decission u made.
how clever u wrap this situation with new packaging, it looks shimering, glowing, promising,,,
although we are in the same condition just like the old time we had been through..

was so close to death..

never cross in my mind i 'll passing these moment..

had 5 weeks fetus in my womb, it's quite shocking me. wondering, 'coz i'm using contraception.
don't now how, it's just happen.
i realize, there's some power that we can't deny it. althought we had prevent that.
we (me &mas ai)consule to the female obstetricians (after we have along arguing, as usual heheh..) . she is the nicest doctor i ever met. (love u mrs.nuriah)

it was so suddenly, that i couldn't have proper time to considering, what should i do?
she help us, to made decission. curettage. on tuesday, 2 pm.

the night before the execution, i pray to God. i want this baby, i wanna keep it, i just feel it a girl, a lovely girl. i also told that to ms ai. but, he said this not a appropriate time.

tuesday, 1 pm. nurse put in a rectal medication. half an hour it start squeezing my womb.
2 am, i layed down on the bad in straddle posistion. anesthetic injected into the palm of my hand. "god, mercy me for thoes sins i made. mom, forgive me for not being a obedient daughter fr u, kids..forgive me can't accompaning u both grow up.."
felt so light, still can hear all the doctor & the crew chat,,lay down in the middle of soft mattres
surrounding all over my body.
.. few minutes pass, hear mas ai sound (and i felt it was so long time i'm not hear his voice. and i miss it) i can feel he carry away my body, to move to the next bed.

slow but sure, i become conscious.."my older son : adeant, my little boy : rifki "
allhamdulillah, i'm back again.
seems i just got back from the journey to other world, i don't know where,, ,,,

really greatfull , mas ai never stay away from me. pra and pasca the surgery..
he really take a good care of me..
the affect of anesthetic still affecting me...queasy,can't stand still, sleeepy..and, starving..

a cup bowl of soup & a glass hot tea. that's all i want. mas ai turn on the bike to beringin.
take medicine, take a shower, really made me back to normal.

and here i am. sitting on this chair, infront of my netbook. writing all those moments, that..i was so close to the death..